In a few days' time, Dec will be upon us. Once we're done with Dec, we're done with the year and we prepare to say hello to another 365 days. Another year of unknowns, hope and certainly disappointments. But before we jump the gun, I thought back on my year and I must say it has been a very rewarding one. It was in Dec 2008 that I found out I was pregnant and I began 2009 in a spirit of love, hope, excitement, fear, worries, and much paranoia. Ever since then, it was to be a year dedicated to the baby. I rested and read; ate and vomited. All for the baby. My thoughts were filled with all sorts of concern and I looked forward to the gynae visit every month, anxiously waiting for the sonogram. There were times of anxieties, of course. Like when my blood test results were due. Or when we were expecting the gynae to deliver any test results for the pregnancies. Ever the pessimist, I kept expecting the gynae to tell us that something is not right with the baby. Month
after month, we went for the check-up and still no bad news. And so, I happily ate (there is now an official and valid reason to look fat!) and did wat I thought was good for the baby. Once I felt the first movement in the stomach, I was constantly on the look-out for more. It is just the most wonderful feeling to have the baby doing kick-boxing or simply shift himself to a more comfortable position. When the scan showed us the baby's genitals, I was delighted. To be a little on the old fashioned side, giving birth to a male offspring meant I have fulfilled my duties to my in-laws and there can now be no complaints. That took the pressure of bearing a son off the subsequent pregnancy(ies). As I approached my EDD, I was increasingly proud of the big bump on my stomach. I carried it with immense pride and joy, my hands touching my stomach involuntarily every now and then. I've had very few gripes about my pregnancy (it's just the lack of clothes to wear and the messy hair) and was a very contented and happy expectant mother. Needless to say, hubby contributed to this peaceful state of being. I was fortunate enough to not have to work and Des was, of course, a doting husband.
Then came the day. I was feeling contractions the whole day and started timing them. As each contraction became more forceful and closer in in
terval, I called the gynae and he said to admit myself if I want to. I called hubby and couldn't get him on the phone! But I wasn't near yet and could afford to wait. So I left him a message to return call. When he called back, he instinctively knew wat happened and rushed back home. But I still wanted to wait. So we waited around and he was so fidgetive the whole time he was quite a sight to behold. That night, we made our way to the hospital. I was worried it might be a false alarm and that we'll be sent home. Turns out, we didn't get sent home. We spent the night and the next day at the hospital, waiting for our son to cry his hello to the world. That he did; but not before sending me into painful contractions that epidural did nothing to help. Finally, it was decided that I should be sent into the operating theatre for an emergency c-section cos I wasn't dilating fast enough and the baby's head was too big for vaginal birth. Moreover, I was running a temperature and the baby's heartbeat was becoming irregular. I so wanted a vaginal birth. But the safety of my son was of utmost importance. I've told hubby before I was due to give birth that should anything happen during the delivery, save the young one first. So I gave the approval for the c-section and was promptly wheeled in. I was knocked out cold cos epidural didn't work for me anymore. The next time I woke up, I was shivering from the cold and wanted to throw up. After the whole hullabaloo was over, I settled into a deep sleep and hubby went home for the night. I still have not seen my son. But I was so tired I just wanted to sleep. I finally said hello to him the next day. I can't describe the feeling as I held him in my arms for the first time. I didn't immediately feel any connection or love for him. He is just the stranger that I know is my son and who was often thrust into my arms for breastfeeding. But yet, I feel a sense of protectiveness for him and knew that no matter wat happens, his safety and health are my utmost priorities. 
We went home after spending three nights in hospital and I started my confinement. Once that is completed, it's just night after night of interrupted sleep and diaper changing. He's now 2 weeks shy of being 4 months old and is a healthy and bubbly little boy. I've just began my motherhood journey and so far, it hasn't been all bad. Sure, I've had my moments of frustrations and anger. But my heart always melts when I look into his adorable face and he gives me one of his toothless smile. All else is forgotten and everything seems worthwhile.
There were times when I wanna go back to work. Many times, in fact. I look out the window and I see a vast expanse of land before me. There is so much out there for me to appreciate. But yet, here I am stuck at home looking after the baby. I miss the interactions and adrenaline of working. I miss goofing around with my colleagues and catching up with my clients. I miss the satisfaction of closing a piece of business and the sense of contribution to the
hotel. I miss being in power. But I made the decision to chuck aside my suits for nappies and that is the decision I will keep. I'll stick to my guns and ride out the waves. Looking at him sleeping peacefully next to me now, I know my emotional rollercoaster and physical pain are but a small part in the overall picture of motherhood. I may lament and complain about the lack of freedom and what-nots. But I know this is the child I've wanted and love so much. It's a joy to see him grow day-by-day and discover new things; to witness his development and forge the bond that nobody else will have with him. That, is my wages of love and sacrifices.2010 will be a year of great changes as the family relocates to Indonesia. If all plans are firm, we'll be in Singapore for only another half a year. I feel apprehension and yet am in a way looking forward to it cos that will give us more financial freedom. Having said that, I also know that I have a lot of safety concerns to grapple with. We'll just have to take one step at a time and leave it in the good hands of our Lord.
