What's Your Worth, SAHM?

One question I constantly ask myself as a SAHM is if it's really worth it to give up life as I knew it for the everyday efforts that seemingly nobody appreciates. And what's gonna happen to me when the kids are grown and have a life of their own?

I dun have a career to speak of and while my peers dress themselves in power suits, killer heels and just the right amount of make-up, I'm still dressed in the clothes I wore yesterday, teeth unbrushed and hair uncombed at 12 in the afternoon. While they drive themselves around in nice cars paid for by the company, I'll be running around trying to catch the school-bus (when the kids start primary school). While they negotiates proposals and contracts in their most professional manner, I tackle stains and dirt with all my might. While they get appreciated in the form of annual appraisal and pay increment, I, well, go unnoticed. It's a lifestyle as different as day is to night.

And what am I to do with myself when the children are grown and the only time they spend at home is with the bed? By that time, the children wouldn't need me to be there for them and since the hubs has been working all these years, he'll have a social life of his own and would probably be sick and tired of me by then. And since I dun have any income for the past decades (since I dun have a life of my own I dun deserve my own spending money right? More or less like a jailbird.), I'll be at a loss. I'll have no financial means to be independent, nothing to occupy myself with and no companionship to rely on. I'll never be a priority cos I don't do anything important or official. For example, if we only have one PC at home and I happen to be using it, the kids will just ask if they can use it first cos their schoolwork is more important and I'm just surfing the net which is not important. Or if I have a dinner planned with friends and the hubs suddenly needs to work late and I have to cancel since my dinner is not anything important. But nothing is gonna be as important as their 'official' business cos my work is at home. These days, I get to run for an hour in the afternoon while the hubs kindly tend to the children. But he can ask me to stop anytime cos he needs to do his work and I can't refuse cos again, I'm not doing anything important. You get the picture? My life is a collection of casual, low priority and unimportant occurrences.

By and large, I'm happy to be a SAHM. But when it comes to my identity as an individual, I'm kinda lost. I'm a mother, a wife, a maid, a tutor, and yes, a sex 'worker' (for lack of a better word). But without all these roles, who am I as a woman, really?

Sense & Sensibilities

Dallen has always been my pride and joy; the gem and firstborn of whom I have high hopes and great expectations. He's always been an easy child to take care of, sleeping through the night and forsaking his night feeds when he was just 4 months old. Sure, he has his moments but nothing ever very severe. We have no need to use a cane or adopt corporal punishment in order to reign him in. Just a raised voice with a stern tone is usually enough to put him in his place. If that didn't work, the good ol' time-out is a sure way to make him stop his nonsense. In fact, we seldom have to scold or reprimand him and I'm thankful that the "Terrible Two" didn't take place for us.

At Dallen's baptism with his godparents and their kids.

Happy baby!

Dallen just before he turned one. Getting ready for his birthday party in this pic.

His first cycling experience on a hasty return back to Singapore when Mt. Merapi erupted.

Being the kiasu parents that we are, we sent Dallen to school even before he turned 18 months. Even though that was the minimum age requirement for the school, the vice-principal allowed him to start school since he was able to walk on his own and appeared to be relatively independent. True enough, while his classmates clung to their mothers or nannies, there was not a tear to be seen dropping from Dallen's eyes. On the contrary, he was always very eager to go to school and was and still is an active and happy participant in class.

A very eager Dallen on his first day of school. His uniform wasn't even ready!

Enjoying water play in school, temperature of the unheated water forgotten!

Goodies-shopping in Chinatown for Chinese New Year.

The vain pot insisted on wearing daddy's sunglasses which was obviously too big for him, making him look like a bumble bee!

Dallen the builder. Can we fix it?

Looking all suave in this hat.

After I gave birth to Dayen, I became a very frustrated person. My fuse was short and I fly into a rage over the slightest matter. I felt pulled in all directions and being in Jogja made it worse cos it certainly ain't the most optimum environment for the kids to grow up in. Air quality is bad, good food is not easily available and healthcare not entirely trustworthy. I am fortunate to have a hubby who is very involved with the children and is willing to help out. But on days when I have to handle both kids alone, my temper tends to be very bad. This is usually in the morning when we prepare to send Dallen to school. There's only one of me and 2 children to tend to. When it comes to eating, Dallen is very dependent on us, to feed him, that is, and that's very time-consuming. So I have to shower both kids, doll myself up (to at least look presentable and not frumpy!), look after Dayen who is not light and very fidgetive, prepare his lunch so I can bring it out with me, stock up his diaper bag and make sure every essential item is inside and because we stay in a two-storey house, I have to run up and down the stairs to do all these. It sounds simple. But anyone who has to do all these with a baby in tow will know that it's no mean feat. So naturally, I get frustrated extremely easily. And Dallen is usually my sounding, no, make it a punching bag.  

Our first trip on the Singapore Flyer, shortly after I gave birth to Dayen.

He always enjoys our hotel stays and gets all excited. (Conrad Singapore)

When I get angry, I'll usually lash out at him and he'll just stand there and allow me to scold him. Then as soon as I finish, he'll run off and continue playing with his toys. A while later, he'll come up to me and in all innocence ask me if I'm happy again. It's at moments like this that I feel supremely guilty. Here I have such a sensible kid, who's prepared to just stand there and let me vent my frustration on him without the slightest retaliation or resentment and there I was just raining my anger on him verbally.

At his second school recital. So immensely proud of him as he cast his fear away and performed on stage.

His first (and I hope last!) HFMD experience. It pained me to see him so listless and uncomfortable. Total opposite of how he usually is like.

I could tell when he's just trying to ease my mood and when he knows he's being scolded because he really did something wrong. When it's for my benefit, his face is impassive and as soon as I finish, he'll be his normal happy self again, as if the moment has passed and he's not gonna dwell on it. But when he knows I'm scolding him cos he really did something wrong, you can see doubt and anxiety written all over his face. And when he's dismissed, he walks away tentatively, as if not daring to be too happy yet.

Father's Day 2012.

On our way to Bali for a short trip (July 2012).

Dallen has really brought so much joy to us. Sometimes he'll say the darnest things and send the hubs and I into peals of laughter. It's difficult to stay angry with him for long and I get very offended when people labelled him 'naughty'. Not that I'm blind to his faults just cos I'm his mother. But I honestly believe he's just being childlike and there is a difference between being mischievous and being naughty. For someone who doesn't even spend a lot of time with him to say he's naughty is being very unfair to him.

He loves riding his tricycle and always brings his bear with him.

Sometimes I do worry that he won't know how to fend for himself when he starts primary school. Kids these days can be very vicious and being good-natured, he may not be able to stand up to unkindness and bullying. I can only prepare him. How he wants to fight for himself will be entirely up to him.

His third birthday and he was totally smittened with the cake we got for him. It was huge and he loves aeroplanes!

My blue-eye boy. Always cheeky and such a joy to be with.

I only want the best for you, my child. You'll always be my baby and I love you loads.

I Love Kiss!

SPH recently launched a new radio station, Kiss92. Being away from the country, I didn't even know there's a new station. That's until a friend posted on Facebook and curiosity prompted me to check it out. I'm very glad I did cos I fell in love with it! Most songs it plays are from my era and all the songs are nice. When they say "All the great songs in one place", they weren't exaggerating.

 

 

Radio has always been a companion for me. In the past when I had to work late, radio made it less tedious. When I was at home alone facing all the household chores, radio made it more of a breeze as I sang along and tackled what had to be done. Now that I'm away from home, radio made me feel closer to Singapore. So I've decided, Kiss92 will be my day radio while Gold90 will be my choice while I prepare dinner. Thank you radio!

Be Thankful!

There are a few places we'll defnitely go to when we make a trip back to SG. Popular bookstore is one of them and on a recent visit there, we bought this book for Dayen.

 

We've been so busy since we came back that it's just been sitting in the bag it came in, totally ignored. But I managed to get to it a couple of days back and the hubs read it for Dallen for his bedtime last night. Thereafter, it was left lying on the table and I happened to glance at it and a thought struck me: I chose this book with the intention of teaching the kids to be, well, thankful for God's blessings. But this could very well be a reminder to myself!

 

I've been wallowing in frustration and anger for so long I have forgotten to be thankful for what God has done for me. It's been a long time since I thanked Him and really, having a change in mindset helps to minimize unhappiness.

 

The hubs was asked to attend a dinner on Monday cos some big shots from work are coming over to Jogja. This riled me cos he's supposed to be away and in a way "out-of-service". Just cos they need to wayang for these top guns they decided to disrupt our family time. If we're in SG there's nothing I can do about it since he'll be at work. But now that we're so far away and relatively forgotten (nobody even knew we were in Jogja running for our lives when Merapi erupted), I expected to be left out of these obligations. So I was angry and stewed for one whole afternoon. As I was preparing dinner, I suddenly realized that instead of being angry at a situation I cannot change, I might as well just tell Dallen we'll do something fun on Monday and make it pizza night instead of having mummy's boring cooking.

 

So there you have it. While I'm still pissed off at these asses for taking the hubs away (actually I think the hubs is kinda relieved and glad to be away from us and have alternate company), I can be thankful that I dun have to cook on Monday! :)

Dallen Learns a New Language

Not Well At All

The past one week has been difficult, at best. The whole family is down and when the kids get sick, I get very resentful of the fact that we're living in Jogja and exposing them to harsher elements than if we stayed in Singapore. Dallen coughed till he vomited which indicates that his airway may be blocked and since the weather has been very dry, the environment gets very dusty. Moreover, there's been restoration job done at the backyard and huge amount of sawdust was left behind, which makes the first floor very dusty and since the bedroom is just above the backyard, dust inevitably leaks in through the gaps in the window. So that aggravated Dallen's cough and I noticed he gasped for air from time to time. Thankfully, he's responding to his medicines and inhalers and is on the road to recovery. The doctor has put him on the inhalers for half a year just to clear his airway.

Dallen's first experience with a pair of chopsticks. Expensive training chopsticks but he loves them!

Dayen is not doing so well. He's not responding to his medicines and there's really nothing much I can do for him because he is still so young and I don't want to be over-enthusiastic about TCM and herbs when it comes to him. I'm not sure if his body is able to take it. I wonder how long it'll take for him to get over this. Sigh....

When there's a blackout, I rely on these portable fans to keep my babies cool. I make sure they're in working order. Otherwise, I'll get a couple on our trips back to SG.

Anyway, I've gained so much weight since I stopped breastfeeding and I thought I'd better do something about it before it spirals out of control. So I've started aerobics and working on the treadmill on top of controlling my diet. Love this Taebo Fitness Workout to bits! Can't finish the whole workout yet. Trying to slowly increase my stamina. Let's hope I begin to see some results before I get disheartened and stop working out.

Would You?

Dayen turns 9-month-old this weekend. For the past 9 months, I've been battling with a question: Should we remove his extra thumb?

His 6-fingered right hand.

You see, Dayen was born with 11 fingers. Like most people, I never thought it'll happen to me. Dallen was a totally normal child, with no unique physical features. So I just took for granted that his younger brother will be born, well, normal. So when the hubs informed me in the hospital that Dayen has 11 fingers, I did a double-take. I went "Oh gosh!" and then got myself all worried (at that moment, I had no idea what to worry about but I worried all the same). It didn't help that I have yet to lay eyes on him, let alone carry him, as he was taken straight to the neonatal ICU for fluids in the lungs and I was confined to my hospital bed after an elective c-section. So there I sat, nursing the pain in my wound, and wondering what my baby looked like. The hubs took photos when he went in to see him but nothing beats meeting him face-to-face for the first time. After a very trying first trimester (I nearly miscarried and had to be on bedrest in a land where I had no family or any help whatsoever except for the hubs and an older child to care for) and a super uncomfortable third trimester (the hubs was not with me and Dayen was a big baby so my tummy was so huge that most days I feel exhausted just walking), I couldn't wait to see him. Sort of like the fruit of my labour (pun intended). But I didn't get to see him till I carefully inch myself out of bed the following day after the op and slowly, step-by-step, made my painful way to the ICU. There, I greeted him for the first time, hooked up but sleeping soundly. There he was... my baby, my survivor.

Dayen hooked up in the neonatal ICU. Hurts me to not be able to carry him in my arms and comfort him.

It's a good thing that he's mostly sleeping soundly and not crying when I went to see him. Otherwise, it would have tore at my heart to leave him in ICU and not being able to wheel him into the room with me.

Almost 9 months later today, he is a healthy and bubbly baby spotting 2 teeth on the lower gum. His current favourite activity is to haul himself up to a standing position and cruise along as he holds on to some form of support.

Taken during our recent trip to Bali.

Isn't he goodlooking, despite the eyebags? He's not a baby who sleeps a lot.

As I watch him at play, I can't help but notice how he seems to have a weaker grip on things when he uses his right hand where the extra thumb is. That inevitably brings me back to the big question: Should we remove his extra thumb? His PD has reassured us that he will work his way around the thumb and there is no specific reason to remove it. But still, I struggled with the dilemma. The hubs wanted to have it remove so that he will not be mocked in school in future. He recognises that children these days can be cruel with their speech and behaviour and while I share his concern, I also feel that if we bring Dayen up correctly, he'll possess the correct amount of self-esteem and confidence to carry him through. Having said that, I do think repeatedly that removing the thumb is the direct and sure-fire way to ensure that he doesn't go through any humiliation. That'll certainly make things easier than having to explain to him that he is special and unique. But if he asks me why he is not like other children, I won't know how to answer him except with "God made you this way." I've said that we should not remove the thumb unless it hinders him and it does seem that way now. But the PD did say he'll work around it, didn't she? So everytime I come to this question, I'll just be going around in circles. I didn't come to any conclusion and I still have not.

Little dude loving his bumbo seat.

Chanced upon a blog entry today about having 11 fingers and thought it's pretty interesting. Have a read: http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2012/09/whats-your-birthmark-learning-to-love-what-we-cant-change.html

Friday Date Night

While we were dating, the hubs and I decided that Fridays will be our date night, the night when we went for a nice dinner and whatever else we fancied. Just the 2 of us. No friends, no families. And we were quite religious and committed to keeping our dates even after I gave birth to Dallen. Very seldom do we miss our date nights, except when official businesses required our presences. Friends' invitations for dinners were turned down. Only after we have had our dinner did we allow ourselves to come into the company of our friends.

 

After we relocated to Jogja, we'll still eat out but cos nice restaurants are so limited (unlike SG) and we dun exactly have a social life, we added movies watching to our Friday nights. So after we tucked Dallen in to bed, both of us will settle and watched a show. But once I gave birth to Dayen, the date nights took a backseat. Whatever free time we had, I made it me-time or caught up with sleep while the hubs tackled his school work. Most days, I'll be too tired for anything else except to lie down on the couch with a good book (I'll doze off after a few pages) or just to snooze.

 

Now that we are more settled into the routine, I decided it's about time to do something about our relationship. The past few months have been testing and at times we weren't even polite to each other. So for the past couple of weeks, we went back to the practise of watching a DVD after we scoot the kids off to bed. 

 

Last week, I decided to watch 'I don't know how she does it' starring Sarah Jessica Parker. I've read the book and wasn't too impressed by it. Sure, it illustrates the grind of life that a working mother has to go through. But reading about the same thing over and over again can be boring. Yes, she had to juggle work and family, kids required her attention, she felt guilty leaving them for a business trip. We get the picture. I couldn't finish the book fast enough. I was yearning to move on and start a new book.

Photo credit: aceshowbiz.com

On a grocery trip to the supermarket, I happened to chance upon the DVD and decided to give it a chance. The show is, afterall, about motherhood and perhaps watching the series of events will be better than reading about it.  

So we settled down with a couple of beer and chips and while the hubs found the show ok, I still wasn't impressed by it. But I must say, watching it is really better than reading about it.

My Trusted Baby Sling

Photo credit: Baby Slings & Carriers

I really treasure my baby sling. From Dallen to Dayen, it has served me faithfully and without it, I can never carry the boys for a prolonged period of time. I prefer it to the Baby Bjorn carrier that the hubs likes. I always feel the sarong, as I term it, is better at developing a bond between the kiddo and the mummy as compared to the carrier. It's been a worthy investment and even though at the point of purchase I felt it's really expensive (the fact that we had to get LOTS of other stuff at that point in time added on to the pinch I felt), it has yielded very high returns and I'm extremely satisfied with it. I also like the fact that it's washable and the material extremely comfortable.

The sarong presented me with the possibility of babywearing my boys and research has shown that babywearing is very beneficial to a child.

Bonding with the baby.

The constant physical contact and cuddling creates a strong bond between the mother and her baby. This helps the baby to establish an attachment to his mother and encourages communication between mother and child.

Sling babies cry less and are happier.

Babies who are held more are less fussy and cry less. They feel a sense of security and find it easier to settle down. Lots of mothers who have colicky babies find that their babies become calmer when they start babywearing them.

Promotes healthy mental, emotional and physical development.

When a baby cries less, he is more secure and stable and this has a long-term benefit of helping the child grow up to be a confident person. A baby who is always crying has his brain clouded with stress hormones and this will affect him later in life. He grows up to be bitter and unhappy and generally discontented.

 

When a baby rides in a sling attached to his mother, he is in tune with the rhythm of her breathing, the sound of her heartbeat, and the movements his mother makes – walking, bending, and reaching. This stimulation helps him to regulate his own physical responses, and exercises his vestibular system, which controls balance. The sling is in essence a "transitional womb" for the new baby, who has not yet learned to control his bodily functions and movements. Research has shown that premature babies who are touched and held gain weight faster and are healthier than babies who are not^.

Sling babies get 'humanized' earlier and are smarter.

Another reason that babywearing enhances learning is that baby is intimately involved in the caregiver's world. Baby sees what mother or father sees, hears what they hear, and in some ways feels what they feel. Carried babies become more aware of their parents' faces, walking rhythms, and scents. Baby becomes aware of, and learns from, all the subtle facial expressions, body language, voice inflections and tones, breathing patterns, and emotions of the caregiver. A parent will relate to the baby a lot more often, because baby is sitting right under her nose. Proximity increases interaction, and baby can constantly be learning how to be human. Carried babies are intimately involved in their parents' world because they participate in what mother and father are doing. A baby worn while a parent washes dishes, for example, hears, smells, sees, and experiences in depth the adult world. He is more exposed to and involved in what is going on around him. Baby learns much in the arms of a busy person.

 

It advances a baby's learning abilities. When a baby cries less, what does he do with the time? He learns! A calm baby tends to be more alert and sensitized to his surroundings.

 

Environmental experiences stimulate nerves to branch out and connect with other nerves, which helps the brain grow and develop. Babywearing helps the infant's developing brain make the right connections. Because baby is intimately involved in the mother and father's world, she is exposed to, and participates in, the environmental stimuli that mother selects and is protected from those stimuli that bombard or overload her developing nervous system. She so intimately participates in what mother is doing that her developing brain stores a myriad of experiences, called patterns of behavior. These experiences can be thought of as thousands of tiny short-run movies that are filed in the infant's neurological library to be rerun when baby is exposed to a similar situation that reminds her of the making of the original "movie."

 

Babywearing enhances speech development.

Sling babies seem more attentive, clicking into adult conversations as if they were part of it. Because baby is up at voice and eye level, he is more involved in conversations. He learns a valuable speech lesson – the ability to listen.

 

Normal ambient sounds, such as the noises of daily activities, may either have learning value for the infant or disturb him. If baby is alone, sounds may frighten him. If baby is worn, these sounds have learning value. The mother filters out what she perceives as unsuitable for the baby and gives the infant an "It's okay" feeling when he is exposed to unfamiliar sounds and experiences.

 

 

Source:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/baby-wearing/benefits-babywearing

http://www.babyktan.com/babywearing.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/laura_simeon.html

Encouraged!

I recently chanced upon a blog of a SAHM and I must say, it's a godsend! Just when I was feeling extremely frustrated and wondered if I can go on, I found this blog and it has encouraged me greatly. Perhaps it's because the writer is someone who has relocated to Indonesia in recent months and thus, could identify with my current situation; perhaps, it's the candid way she wrote her posts. Whatever the reasons may be, I know I'll be visiting this blog rather regularly: www.oureverydaythings.com

 

Being a parent sure ain't easy. Being a SAHM can be tedious. Being overseas is just...impossible at times. But I'm glad and thankful that I have a very supportive hubby. Living with me when I'm in the irritable mode can't be easy and I know I've been in that mode more often that desired ever since I gave birth to Dayen.

He's more smiley these days.

My emotional roller-coasters: They give me all sorts of emotions on a daily basis!

It's a huge challenge for us and frankly, we're still trying to cope. But I dare say our efforts are quite commendable, given that we had no external help at all. We dun subscribe to the idea of having a domestic helper or nanny and being overseas, we have no help from family and friends. It's just....us. Period.

Let's hope their love for each other gets increasingly deep as they grow up and face life's challenges together.

Dayen is growing up everyday and attaining new milestones. Every achievement he has is good news to us cos it's a step towards independence. Every new thing he learns is like a building block that contributes to the ultimate completion called independence.

 

These days, he's able to pull himself up to a standing position and that is the first step towards him being able to walk. And when he's not so handicapped, he's actually happier. He likes his newfound freedom and is less frustrated with being immobile. Previously, all he could do was watch the world go by as he sat helplessly in his rocker.

Everytime he tries to pull himself up using the table as a leverage I get very worried. If he misses or if his hands give way, he'll hit himself right smack at the edge of the table.

He's standing all on his own!

Now, he could crawl and participate in certain activities and I'm sure it'll make him feel more included as well.

Dayen loves his brother to bits and yearns for his presence. Nobody can make his day the way Dallen does, and Dallen doesn't even have to try very hard.

Oh well, I sure hope he'll be rid of his night feeds soon cos that's what's making us extremely tired!

AaaaaaaCHOO!

Yes, I've been sneezing a lot these days cos the air quality is super bad. It's our annual rental renewal and we pointed out some areas that needed repairs and this week has just been shrouded with dust, dust and more dust. The whole house is freaking dusty and I was thinking of bringing the kids somewhere else just so they dun have to breathe in so much dust. So I thought of where I can go with the kids and realised that there is just no escaping it: there's nowhere here with clean air! Even the malls are out of the question cos indoor smoking is allowed and we'll just end up being second-hand smokers. Oh well, the worst of the repair works is over and thankfully so is the servicing of the aircon. At least I can contain them in the room if necessary. I get very paranoid when it comes to the boys and no amount of herb and tonic is gonna help, given the prolonged exposure to dust. I just can't wait to get back to Singapore permanently. Haze or no haze, at least I know it won't be an all-year bad PSI reading.

Frustrated

Why didn't we stop at one? Why?! It's not that I dun love Dayen. But it's really so frustrating caring for him. Everything seems to be so difficult when it comes to him. I have no idea what we did wrong or didn't do. It's like as if God wants us to pay back for having an easy time with Dallen. It doesn't help that we're in a land where everything is a freaking challenge. I hate the me who's frustrated every single day. There isn't a day that goes by without me glaring at Dallen or feeling like smacking the shit outta Dayen. So many times I feel like just walking out or leaving him out in the balcony and closing the door behind me. He's driving me crazy and everybody else at home is suffering.