My parents' marriage is in shambles, and have been for a long time. They may be living under the same roof, but they might as well have been separated. They hardly talk to each other and their lifestyles are as different as night and day.
My mother is a go-getter. She'll be active till the day she dies, or when an illness overtakes her, whichever comes first. She's been hospitalized for appendicitis and I suspect that's because she walks too fast and not due to any sports; she doesn't exercise.
From as far as I can remember, she has always been on the move. Her life is a constant race on the highway of life. Her only disadvantage? She didn't study hard enough. If she did, she would have gone very far in life. This is a woman who is an absolute symbol of resourcefulness, resilience and diligence. She has slogged her life away, and has also given up the chance to be with her children in their early developmental years. As a daughter, I do not agree with a lot of the things she did/does. She can really get on my nerves and our characters are so similar (read: fiery) that my teenage years was a huge challenge. For all her weaknesses, one point is clear: whatever she does, she does it for her family. But, and that is a HUGE but, she's not always appreciated.
I'm guessing that is one of the reasons why her marriage is almost non-existent. She struggled to help my dad in his business (which failed) when we were young, all the while also managing things at home. I recall being woken up by her (I shared the same bed as her) after heated quarrels she had with my father and asking me if I want to go to the beach with her. I wasn't even in primary school yet! After we shifted to a bigger apartment, their marriage deteriorated further. Then my dad fell sick. And things just went downhill from there.
Many people have reproached her or even called her callous for not caring more for my ailing father. But I can understand why. It's not that she's shirking her responsibility. It's that he's taken her for granted for so long that she has nothing more of herself to give to him. Day after day, as she slogged for the family, my dad didn't show any appreciation. I have personally heard him say she's a disgrace to the family and that got me really fired up. If not for her, he wouldn't have been able to live the life he lives now. But don't get me wrong. My father is not a bad person. He's responsible and loves his family. He just lacks the drive to succeed and allowed his low self-esteem to get the better of him. Superficially, my mum is to be blamed for the failure of the marriage. She's loud, direct (which can hurt feelings) and she's hardly sweetie pie material. She's a toughie and that's how she carried herself. But honestly, I feel my dad has a bigger part to play for the demise of their love. Which woman doesn't want their marriage to be happily-ever-after? Who doesn't want to marry a man who is capable and can settle anything so his wife has no need for worries (instead of just ATNA a.k.a all talk & no action), and is at the same time loving, faithful, sensitive, considerate and magnanimous (does such a man even exist?!)? I'm pretty sure my mum dreamt of the perfect marriage too. I mean, she wouldn't marry my dad expecting him to treat her shabbily, would she? As the years go by and she expends herself bit by bit, that bliss and love started to evaporate as well. With the exit of those feelings, comes the entrance of resentment and anger. I can hardly blame her. I can totally understand. The very person who's supposed to take care of her and cherish her for the rest of his life is the one hurting her day after day. It comes to a point where her only consolation is retaliation. It's even worse when the other party does not/refused to recognize his own weaknesses/failures.
Over the years, I've asked my mother why she didn't opt for a divorce. It's such a mental torture to go through a relationship like that. She waved me off and told me divorce is never an option. She belongs to the generation when if things were broken, you fix it. Even if you can't fix it, you keep it.
I'm sure my father has many grouches of his own and they may all be valid. My mother is far from being the submissive and loving wife. But really, as a man, recognize and appreciate the sacrifices that's been made for you. Admit your own mistakes and weaknesses. That makes you a stronger and more respectable person. That makes you a real man. Your ego usually succeed only in making you less of a human. The truly mature and successful man (and this is not just in economical terms) doesn't usually have an inflated ego. He's more in touch with reality and doesn't think the sun shines out of his butt.
