Just Leave Me The Hell Alone

It's always been said that no man is an island, and indeed God intended for it to be that way. But there are times when I really would love to be left alone. Perhaps it's my own way of dealing with the curves that life throws at me. Afterall, I've been fighting my own battles alone for so many years and have grown used to depending on myself. I'm not the type that goes crying to others and start looking for shoulders to lean on at the onset of every crisis. Instead, I prefer to quietly lick my own wounds and work my way out. Looking back, I think that's what I did when my previous marriage collapsed. I was on my own for a while before friends and family found out what happened. Whatever happened after that is water under the bridge. I hit rock bottom and crawled my way up again.

Ever since I met Des and married him, life has more or less been rosy. Sure, there were kinks along the way which we had to work out. But we managed well and even the move to Indon was, in my opinion, done nicely. We had our grouses and complaints. But everything worked out well in the end.

Now that we are back for his surgery and living under my parents' roof, I can't help but feel the same frustrations that I haven't felt ever since I shifted out. That was 7 years ago. I had 7 years of peace. The naggings were far and few in-between cos I diligently kept my distance and lived my own life. I know conflicts are bound to take place if I have constant contact with mum. So I kept them to a minimum but still upheld my end of the bargain as a daughter.

We've been back for only 3 days and she already got on my nerves with her constant nagging about how I am not taking care of Dallen in the right way and how I let the hubs do manual tasks even in his condition. Seriously, had I not known how to take care of Dallen, would he have been such a well-developed and cheerful kid? A kid like that doesn't come naturally. It takes a lot of hard work; building him up emotionally and strengthening him physically. And where the hubs is concerned, her ways are not my ways and we have differing perspective of how to deal with an ailing husband. While she chooses to ignore dad, I choose to take the hubs' self-esteem into consideration. But her constant nagging put a lot of pressure on us and it did more harm than good. While I may not be able to give them the best, I give them the best that every circumstance allow. I am a wife as well as a mother and I have to balance these 2 roles which are interrelated. At times when I have to compromise one for the benefit of the other, I just have to weigh the pros and cons and choose the lesser of the two evils. And Dallen may not always take priority.

My patience is wearing thin, very thin. And patience has never been a virtue of mine. So just leave me alone and let me work through this on my own. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I just need to be left alone.

The Hubs Got Himself Fixed

The hubs has been suffering from numbness and loss of balance for a long time. The condition started in May and thinking it'll go away on its own, we didn't seek medical attention. It deteriorated and got so bad that he caved in and went to see a doc. It was more serious than we thought and he actually has 2 slip discs that are pressing onto his nerves and needs to have a surgery performed to remove them asap. So we went through all the medical crap and got him an appointment for surgery and he went under the knife. The next few months will be tedious for the both of us. He, having to recuperate and me, having to be his hands and legs...to a certain extent. He won't be able to carry any load more than 2kg and is not allowed to do manual tasks. Guess who will be taking over? Yours truly! Before we even started, my back is already killing me. Maybe I have a slip disc or 2 too! Nah...not that serious. I just need some good old yoko-yoko. I must say, he's kinda brave to go through the surgery. The procedure is scary man! Yikes...gives me the jitters just thinking about it. But he made it and we're on our way to recovery!

15 Sept 2010

This is the day my baby died. I knew it didn't survive when the bleeding got heavier. I had no illusions that a miracle will happen. The gynae confirmed it. The scan revealed no pregnancy sac (when just a couple of days ago it showed so prominently), just remnants of a dead foetus and I have to wait and let it come out naturally. So I carry a dead foetus in me.

Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. The chromosomes were already unhealthy at point of conception. So even if the foetus survived, I might have given birth to an abnormal baby. So I might as well have God intervene and terminate the pregnancy.

Goodbye, my child. I'll see you when I get there. Mummy loves you... Be good.

A New Addition?

Yes, I'm pregnant. The menses didn't exactly come and I've been feeling all the familiar symptoms. So one day I just bought the kit and did it at home. Part of me already knew I was pregnant. So when I was tested positive, I wasn't surprised at all.

Although we didn't plan for this one, I'm still elated that I'm pregnant. We plan to have another one anyway. Just not so soon. But well....

Went to the gynae to confirm the pregnancy this morning and was told that I'm 7 weeks pregnant and the foetus is too small. The gynae suspects it's not growing and I have to be prepared for a miscarriage. For someone who had a smooth pregnancy and fully expected the second pregnancy to be the same, this came as very bad news. And I know the second pregnancy will not be as comfy as the first cos 1) I have to take care of Dallen 2) the hubs is not as attentive, loving and tolerant as before and 3) I dun have the comforts and convenience of Singapore. If I ever survive this pregnancy, it'll be a tiring and fearful one. And I won't get as much support from the hubs as before.

Do I really have to go thru this in such an unfavourable fashion?

I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Is Gone

I've been contemplating about LASIK for the longest time and didn't manage to pluck up the courage to get it done. But I woke up one morning and knew with absolutely certainty that I should get it done and that nothing will go wrong. It's as if God is speaking to me. It wad so clear, no doubts abt it. So I made the necessary arrangements and got an appointment at the Eagle Eye Centre.

Returning to Mt. Alvernia felt good. I enjoyed my stay there and have always associated the hospital with childbirth, a new lease of life. So being in a hospital I'm comfortable with took away any remaining apprehension I felt. Moreover, the pre-op checkup was so fuss-free and went simple enough. But when I was lying there and they slowly slid me under the machine, I got scared. It felt like being on the operating table all over again. And I was thinking to myself that since epidural didn't work on me, does that mean my eyes won't get numb too? And there was no way of checking. What if I felt every single pain??? But fortunately, I only felt the pressure. But it was scary enough to be able to see what was going on. It didn't help that the doc told me he needed more time with me cos my cornea is rather small and he cut the blood capillaries as well and thus had to wait till the bleeding stopped. Oh my! And I could see the bloodstained thing (whatever it was) he used to clean the blood. Aiyo! It was a short duration. But one filled with tension and fear for me. The hubs was watching through the glass but I had no way to communicate with him. No comfort there.

Anyway, that's over and done with and I can see clearly now! Almost. There's still the slight discomfort due to the dryness of the eyes but other than that, it's like I'm wearing my contact lens, only I'm not! I fun have to remove my lens before I sleep anymore. Sometimes I forgot I'm not wearing lens and when the eyes get dry, I tend to squeeze them shut, like how I normally do it. But I always managed to remind myself just in time. So no harm done to the eyes.

Great! I got that outta the way. Next up will be the hubs' MRI on Saturday. Let's hope the doc finds out wat's wrong and prescribe the accurate remedy. Keep praying!

No Allergy Reaction Please

Dallen has been rejecting his normal soupy stuff no matter how I alternate them. A sure sign that he's bored and ready for more solid food. So today I blended broccoli, cauliflower, mushroom, salmon, prawns and tofu and panfried it into a pancake to go with his rice. It's the first time he's having prawns and I'm hoping he doesn't get an allergy reaction. If this passes then I shall graduate him to squid.

Keeping my fingers crossed!