Story of My Life: It's Really Happening!

Ever since we came back from the recce trip, I've managed to push the thought of our move further into the recesses of my mind. While we were there, the move seemed so imminent and so immediate. Once we're back, life goes on as normal and it seems like we're never gonna move again (which is how I've felt about it for the past year). It seems so-near-yet-so-far. An sms the hubs sent me confirmed that we're really leaving; and sooner rather than later. The papers are in place, the superior has been informed, clearance granted and emails sent out. We're set to leave on 28 Apr. His language course will start 3 May. The clock has started to tick.

So here I am, trying to decide which books to bring and which goes into storage. Given a choice, I'd gladly ship the whole bookcase over. But logic and finances forbid me to do that. Actually, I have not touched some of these books for years and so there really is no need for me to decide, let alone bring them over. Is this me trying to hang onto a thread of familiarity? Or just being possessive of my stuff? I've never been one who like to let my things be far from me. In fact, I guard them quite fiercely. And now, I have to hand over the place I called home for the past 7 years to a stranger who will not take care of it the way I did; albeit for a sum of money I desperately need. But this is the place that saw me grow. So much pain, loss, heartaches, tears, joy, love and wholesomeness took place here. So much time, thought and money have gone into making it a home. So much memories and so much feelings. I've always relished the fact that I have a place of my own. That I am not staying under someone else's roof. No matter what happens, I know I'll always have a place to run to. This is my humble abode, my sanctuary. And I have to let go of it. When we return, the place will, no doubt, have a different feel to it. Even as I put one item after another into boxes, it tugs at my heartstrings and I feel a dull ache.

But I have to admit that the move will be beneficial to us. When we return, we'll have a decent amount of money to get a bigger place for the kid(s). The current one is really too small and poor Dallen always gets stuck after just a few steps in his walker. And the degree will be beneficial for the hubs' career as long as he stays in SAF. As for me, I'm glad to be leaving behind a world of obligations and responsibilities and people I dislike but have to entertain. Juggling the roles of wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, friends and a myriad of other societal roles has taken its toll on me. I know this sounds selfish but I'm tired and I need to get away. I'm just ever-so-thankful that I dun have a professional role thrown in as well. I do miss work, and sure, there have been calls for me to return to the office. But I miss my son even more and these kind gestures of recognition for my hard work have been politely and gently declined. This small little bundle has caused me so much frustrations, anxieties and hard work. But he is also the spring of my happiness and I love him more than I love myself.

Having said that, I know I'll miss people that I've left behind. These are the people who have been with me through a whole lot of shit. These are my pillars of strength and support. People I know I can turn to in times of need. Sure, there have been ups-and-downs along the way, quarrels and disagreements over the years. But nothing really damaging. You know who you are. Thank you for being there.

Now we have gotten most things settled. The lil one should adapt nicely, since he's too young to have any attachments except to us and maybe his cot (I'm guessing this is the reason why he can't sleep while we're there, aside from the fact the he was sick). But everything will be made comfortable for him by his enslaved parents. There will be a lot of getting used to and the only thing I have yet to iron out is the timing of my second pregnancy. For everything else, we'll just have to go with the flow once we get there. It's a scary thought; but also an exciting one. I have great plans for my time there. Let's hope it all works out. I'm leaving my 28-year-old life behind. And starting out as an infant in a foreign land. I have to relearn cultures and languages; and it feels like I'm back to primary one when I struggled with my English.